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Дуэль №459, проза, англоязычная: --M@vericK-- vs GrossJoe
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Хо-хо-хо. 16-летние-битники.
Соперники: --M@vericK-- vs GrossJoe
Судьи: Нокс, Чу, СанРайс, Старец и Ламбенголмо. Каждый их голос равен двум.
Голоса не судей так же учитываются, но как 1.
Тема: в дороге.
Жанр: авантюра, приключение (с фр. aventure)
Объем: желательно бы зарисовку, или рассказик небольшой. Судьи же тоже люди. Но, всё же строгих ограничений не накладываю.
Поехали! У Вас 10 дней на написание. А после, 10 дней судьям на вынесение своего вердикта.
Время пошло!
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Niagara Falls (duel)
1
What a chance!
"Yes, mr. Fredrix. Yeah, I got it. Everything's gonna be done just perfect."
He keeps insisting:
"Don't let me down, Maverick. This is your last chance.", - driving me mad.
I heard it is really bad for the food and consequently for the eater to cook it in a shitty mood. Well, my steaks are gonna be spoiled today.
Through Fredrix's detailed instructions and smelly dish sizzling in the pan I catch some noise from the upstairs. My girlfriend, the only person in the house except me, was calling for a nasty cock. We were gonna go naughty for the next few hours, me and her alone in a three-stored house. The whole evening was ours, as all four of my tenants were away for some extremely advantageous reasons. What a chance!
"I'll be back in five minutes!"
Though I covered the mic with my palm...
"Pay attention when I'm talking to you, Maverick!.."
Bla-bla-bla.
This day was supposed to be a blast. I thought nothing was gonna stop me from making my own porn actress out of girl in ten minutes. Well, I was wrong.
I have always disliked that person and by a lucky coincidence we became the closest pair of a student and a teacher in the world. After Fredrix caught me banging my Introduction to Psychology I professor, who was really hot and young, he tried to blackmail me. He wanted me to become one of his students, saying he had great expectations for me. If I didn't, Fredrix would tell the rector and the consequences would be me expelled and the Psychology professor fired.
Biochemistry. That's what he is teaching me in college. That subject has always been pleasant for me to deal with but everything changed when I met Gordon Fredrix. A hell teacher with amazing skills of interfering into his students' lives "just in time". God, I hate him.
The doorbell rang right after the ""Leucine as the main amino acid" has to be on my table by tomorrow morning" words.
"Sorry, mr. Fredrix, I gotta go. See ya tomorrow!"
"Don't you dare hang up on me..."
Click. "Conversation time 12:36".
"Yeah-yeah! I'm coming!", - that was the answer to the second ring.
"Oh, shut up already!",- to the third one.
Why should everything go so messed up right about having the happiest moments?
As soon as the door was open, two of my best friends came in sight, looking as happy as never before. I couldn't say I was glad to see them. Not when I got a boner at least. My face stretched in a false smile.
"Hey, guys! What are doing here?"
"Pack your bags, bitch, we are going to Niagara Falls!", - Fung said and pushed me inside.
2
Highway cowboy
****
As the hot asphalt is spreading under the wheels of Shadi's van, hundreds of trees as well as cars, shining under the hot summer sun, are passing by my sight, making me sick. Oaks, birchs, beechs. Toyotas, Dodges, Chevrolets. Green, thick crowns filled with birds, raccoons and other furry poultry.
The last hour was about heading towards Niagara Falls, taken hostage by three of my best friends, listening to Bullet For My Valentine. Welsh melodic metalcore was making me take it easy, actually.
While Shadi, Syrian, was driving, Fung, Chinese, and Chris, Canadian, were having an argument on "The Hottest Redhead Porn Star" topic. Yeah, multicultural company.
The fourth member of our company is Alex, Ukrainian, like me. He was sleeping in the third row of seats, smelling as a girl-bartender right after an Irish wet t-shirt contest is over. You know that tradition, don't you? When a hot barman is sprayed with a vat of beer or wine. Beer, usually. After that girl spreads such an energizing flavor; combined with beholding of hard erected nipples under a white cloth, it makes your panty friend ready to battle.
What's up with him, by the way?
"Hey, what's up with Alex?",- I asked Chris, watching the fourth member's spit dripping on a gum floor carpet.
"He was at some stag-party at Van Horne street. In a thousand feet from your house. Some friend of his is getting married. I guess, you know him, - Chris said, scratching his bristle, glancing at Alex's spit.
"Daniel, obviously."
Then I heard Fung's funny Chinese accent:
"Pay attention when I'm talking to you , Ferret!", - pointing Chris with a forefinger.
This words reminded me of biochemistry.
Ferret showed him a gesture of peace and love, also known as "fuck".
Only an hour ago I was about to have sex with my Mexican girlfriend and sucking tasteful juice out of my beefsteaks afterwards. My mind was full of terroristic ideas towards my lovely teacher, having no idea about how to do that "Leucine" work by tomorrow morning. And now I'm here, driving to Niagara Falls. Heading towards a "run-away" town. A town of alcohol, girls and fun.
****
In ten minutes we pulled over to pee and get some snack at a "Petro-Canada" gas station. Everyone got out of the van, leaving Alex watching his drunken dreams.
My eyes spotted a Chevy pickup with the title "To kill or not to kill? This is only a matter of mood." parked nearby. Then I saw a tall figure, getting out of the truck, dressed in jeans, shirt and a cowboy hat. His mouth, framed by a long mustache, was moving as he After giving me a maniacal gaze, the man passed the automatic door and disappeared. It slightly frightened me.
"Do you want something?", - Shadi said.
"A couple of "Kit Kat"'s would be nice", - I answered, smiling.
As Shadi and Chris left for the station shop, I said:
"Fung, did you see that cowboy? The one getting out of that truck?"
"Nope. Should have I?"
I caught bright notes of sarcasm.
"This guy... He looked at me. Really strange... He maniacally stared at me for a moment. So weird..."
"Dude, you didn't take that weed on the back, did you?", - Fung said laughing.
"Here is funny guy, I see, standing right in front of me.", - I said as a line of a poem.
****
After both of us sit comfortably in our former positions, I saw Fung copying my wince. We heard a shot. Then another one. And one more. It went from the shop.
And suddenly, another wince was caused by mumbling "What the fuck..." from behind me, as the Alex's swollen face raised above the headrest.
"Where am I? For fuck sake... Where the fuck am I?"
Then, he looked at my shocked bulging eyes.
"Oh, hey, Mike! How are you doing?", - finally smiling.
"Shadi. Chris.", - the first thought to spring to mind. Freezing, tearing, paralyzing wave of fear and horror spread all over my body, making my limbs trembling.
As the door was burst open with a crack, my feet with lightning speed brought me to the shop door. It slid to the sides, exposing a picture of the maniacal cowboy pointing me with a handgun.
In a moment, I was making a long jump to the right. Luckily, the wall saved me from becoming a sieve-man.
"Mike, no!", - Fung screamed through the gunfire. Two shots broke the relative silence of highway. In a second the shooter ran out through the door and aimed for my head. Fear and horror made me put my hands up and say:
"Please... Don't..."
A sign of hesitation came in sight all over his face. Buy then the maniacal look changed to extremely maniacal. He came closer, ready to pull the trigger.
"I'm too young to die", - my eyes went juicy.
"Hey, bitch!", - Fung roared, with a handgun in his hand. "Take this!"
Another shot broke the relative silence of highway. The cowboy dropped his pistol and the money bag he had been holding in his hands. His back slowly faced the wall and slowly slid down to the hot asphalt.
****
As Fung and Shadi were carrying wounded Chris to the van, I realized, there was no place left in the van, so I wasn't going with them.
"I'm staying."
"Tell the police only truth.", - Fung said.
"There is no point to lie."
I looked at Chris. His red shirt went black, his breath was hard and frequent. His closed eyes were telling me, not much time left.
"Promise me, you deliver him in time.", - I talked to Shadi.
"I'll try."
In a second I was watching the van rushing along the highway. My eyes went juicy. Again. I have never been so scared in my life. Moreover, my best friend got shot just because he was in the wrong place in the wrong time. Just by a coincidence. It's not the way he should die. Not today.
****
As I look around, I notice something different. Something is not the same as when we pulled over ten minutes ago. I give a gaze at the place, the cowboy was shot. However, a strike of horror hits my mind, as I realize, the shooter isn't there. He is not sitting at the wall with his clothes gory, and a gun and a money sack lying nearby.. No. Everything what is left from him is just a dozen of bloody spots.
As I look around one more time, there is no sign of the maniac. Shortly I get, the spots were leading somewhere. Somewhere to his truck.
It's engine rumbles. I freeze. With a yank, the Chevy went right on me. I jumped behind the dispenser, then a wind blow slightly pushed me as the car rushed by, running to the highway.
"Oh, no. Not that easy."
I ran into the shop and looked for car keys all over dead assistant's pockets. Anon I got into the only vehicle left at the station. I quickly started Honda Civic and drove after the shooter's truck.
Shortly, my eye spotted an old brown Chevrolet Silverado. That's my client. He was driving mad at a speed of over seventy miles. He was overtaking cars like in racing movies. My confidence was gone. But I coped with it. Chris was my friend. Presently, shot one. That fucking maniac should receive my payback.
My feet pressed the gas pedal to the floor. Though the car was weak, it jumped forward fairly swift. Shortly, the Civic bumped the truck pretty hard, making a nasty bang sound, therefore the pickup wriggled out of the line. The result was only my arms aching.
The cowboy dodged right before the second clash should have taken place. He turned right, making an innocent car go skidded.
Before long, I tried to catch the Chevy one more time, and the right side of Honda faced the truck. The blow made it go out of the highway. My car skidded as well, moving really quick towards the bump.
****
"Hey, he's waking up!", - says a joyful voice, hardly heard through whistle in my ears.
That pain all over my head. All over my body. I can feel it everywhere, in every limb, in every eye. I try to see something, and shortly lines went sharp, particularly Fung's Asian face. It spreads all over my view range. I don't know what is going on. Where am I? Why does it hurt so much? Nothing.
"How are you feeling, buddy?", - my friend asks me.
"What happened? Where am I?", - mumbling only.
"You are in the hospital. You got crashed in a car accident.", - after a pause he continued. "I know, it's not the right time for this but... What happened out there when we left?"
"I'll tell you later...", - I say, fainting again.
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Circus temptation
I met Lucy at first two weeks earlier. Water in the lake was so dark that it could consume all caves in the world. I didn’t know her name then, so I decided to call her “Lady from the lake”. She knew her nickname, that’s for sure. Every time I passed round the coast and reached another bank of the lake, she was there, washing her clothes in crystal streams.
I was out of words and just yelled the first thing which came in my mind. I tried to shout as loud as I could because the watermill was rumbling as hell around the corner.
“What do you like? Let’s maybe go out for coffee?”
“I hate city food.”
“Ok. What do you like?” – I repeated my question.
“Knives, elephants and cello”.
“Cello?”
Indeed. Who could imagine, that you could use cello as hammer to smash poisonous snakes?
Later she told that worked in an old circus. One of that places which could offer dwarves and talking cats. She used to throw the knives, ride elephants and play the cello. The bass-viol sounded extremely beautiful when chopper flew into clown. And, of course, snakes. They were everywhere at the circus, so she gained serpentine-like reflexes.
After half an hour of talking she rapidly cut off the mouse’s head which was wandering around. I couldn’t follow her fast moves; I only noticed her strong arms, even stronger than mine. In fact, I was ashamed to talk to woman, who could curl me up as string. Or, what was much worse, assassinate me at night. And no scream would be heard because of that damned watermill.
But, fortunately, it seemed that she paid no attention to annoying things, so I could easily communicate with her. My paranoia was over and, indeed, she was the most innocent person among all my friends and relatives.
The next day gale mixed water and soil near the lake. Lady from the lake was much stressed and all her stuff seemed to be ready for a trip. Cello’s strings were tensioned up to limits and needed outcome like shotgun. Shot – and birds are not alive now. Her orders were very rhythmical and sounded like march with stress on each word.
1. YOU
2. COME
3. WITH
4. ME
“Where the hell are you going?” – And answer was repeated in my head as strong command. She kept silence and gave me a sheet of paper. Indifferent letters jumped from one line to another and from their acrobatic stunts I understood, that these are by friends of Lucy from the circus.
“We walk to your place from the center of the city. You hate rain still, don’t you? Don’t forget to put your armor on” – that’s what the mail said.
“What armor?”
She looked at her hips and then winced. The memories stank like rotting banana, and she couldn’t escape this awful banana factory. She tore letter in shreds and throw them away in the lake.
“I’ve prepared everything you’ll need in the road. Go”.
I was deeply surprised when found that Lucy has car. It could dump while running but nobody would claim that as long as knife-thrower rides a car. The road lasted for two hours. We stopped near the railway station and she led me behind the platform. I was watching as she was taking down her clothes and asked a question too late. My tongue didn’t want to do that sort of thing.
“What are you doing?”
“You have never had sex with circus freak, have you?”
Yep, she did could ride an elephant.
The next thing which comes to my mind is my birthday. Lucy, still beloved and still from the lake, gave me a perfect gift. We entered the small bistro near the road. She silently pulled out the knife and pointed at small gear in her hand.
“Money. That’s what I need”.
People were sure that devil is going on in her head. They were scared to death but tried not to stare at her. Maybe they thought that Lucy can’t stand looking into one’s eyes as hound.
“B-b-b-bomb?!”
“Wanna check?”
That’s how we got money. Later she told laughing that it was a bottle of perfume, which looked like as demolition bomb. Demolition weapon, demolition lovers.
“So, Lucy, where are we going?” – I stopped calling her “Lady from the lake”. I was fed up with mysteries and no lake could appear right at the route. Though it was very interesting to discover gigantic drop of water, which sucks cars inside.
“Actually, I didn’t think about it. The point is about running away. The faster we move, the more time we’ll have for ourselves”.
“You’re indifferent whether I’m with you or not” – I didn’t understand why did I say that. But this grim conclusion ate me for the last three days. Lucy trapped into her own circle of ignorance. And when I tried to enter her zone with warm feelings, that aggressive vortex reclined me far away.
She kept silence for a while. Then sighed hardly.
“That’s why I love knives. No problems, no confusable words. And when you choose one, it’s a successful decision”.
I looked at her arms. They were not as gigantic as they used to. All this time I was working on the same thing, so now we could squeeze each other as lemon. That would be perfect, I thought, if we’ll play that sort of game. Painful, but full of joy.
Two days later I couldn’t afford to buy her a single shot of tequila. Though, when we emerged into Mexico City it cost less than sip of fresh air. Then, when we pretended that our car is big flat, her friends arrived. The stomach of first one was soft and my fist sank in it. When he bended in two halves, his furious “colleagues” rushed on us. It felt like a gigantic gypsy wave and only thing which I remembered was Lucy scattering circus freaks in ten directions.
Later they told me that I’ve got a terrible concussion. I made 67 steps from the hospital chamber to the exit with brains swimming inside of my head. I thought that all my wonderful moments with Lucy weren’t true. So, trying to avoid desperation, I returned home. A sawmill with fancy roof colored like blood was built there. The owner of this sawmill looked at me sympathetically and gave me a job. From that moment slicing wood like ham became my main interest in life and noise of watermill suppressed any unwanted thoughts.
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Голосование открыто. Ждем вердикта судей. Голоса всех желающих так же будут учтены.
Голосование до 9 января, вкл.
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Охохо... мда. Хотел раз уж дуэль англоязычная и голос отдать на английском языке, но потом решил не позориться  Ну, текстики, ожидаемо, оказались совсем уж миниатюрными, поэтому на тонкости вроде сюжета и персонажей я решил забить практически сразу, этого добра и в других дуэлях хватает. Основым критерием для меня был уровень "похожести" на нормальный английский текст, так если бы его написал носитель языка. Врать не буду, я в своей жизни прочитал не слишком много художественной литературы на английском, но все же кое-какое представление о тамошних канонах имею.
Так вот, в этом плане второй рассказ значительно выигрывает у первого. Более того, второй и читать было существенно легче первого, где от сплошных сокращений типа gonna под конец начало рябить в глазах. В принципе, если извините за короткий отзыв, на этом я бы и закруглился, потому что судить тут что-то еще, по-моему бессмысленно.
Голос Circus temptation
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--M@vericK--, то есть первый текст.
Видно, что писалось подбирая слова, шло тяжело, писал явно человек в английском понимающий, но не знающий его на должном уровне чтобы писать рассказы. Я не хочу этим сказать, что я знаю язык очень уж хорошо, но то что подрабатывать ваши знания, автор, надо, это точно. Теперь к конкретике.
1. Возможно не стоит употреблять два похожих по смыслу глагола в одной связке, тем более если один из них употреблён не в своём основном значении, так как например здесь: He keeps insisting
вот например keeps переводится как держит, а insisting настаивание (буквально), а у вас keeps это продолжает, а insisting употреблён правильно. Возможно следовало употребить вместо keeps, continues, тогда не получается два одинаковых глагола, так как настаивать это уже удерживать. А вы написали удерживать настаивание, понимаете разницу?
2. Вот эта фраза: driving me mad, понравилась, хотя я и не уверен, что это правильно с точки зрения классики, но употребление глагола: Водить в значении сводить с ума это круто, но вот тут, наверное лучше будет употребить вместо mad, mind, так как это именно "ума", а не как в случае с mad сумасшедший, а то вы написали сводить меня сумашествие, ну если прочитать по другому, как например: вводить меня в сумашествие, то значение приемлимое, но понять это в процессе чтения сложновато.
3. I heard it is really bad for the food and consequently for the eater to cook it in a shitty mood. Well, my steaks are gonna be spoiled today. - Может быть вместо eater, лучше consumer, ведь это именно "едока", а не едок, как вы написали.
4. С помощью или при помощи, лучше With the help of.
5. Хотя - although.
6. Мне кажется, что во многих случаях вы используете инговое окончание у глаголов без надобности, это окончание создаёт существительное и в основном используется во времени презент перфёкт континьёс, паст перфёкт континьёс и по-моему ещё где-то, но сейчас не скажу точно, я думаю, что если вам надо, то вы сами узнаете.
7. В написали что-то вроде: Этот день должен был быть взрывом, я предлагаю перестроить предложение, как если бы взрыв принадлежит этому дню, что по сути будет значите, что взрыв произойдет в этот день.
8. Лучше использовать выгнали, что если я не ошибаюсь пишется kiked out, а не изгнали, что пишется, как expelled. А то изгоняют духов из людей иногда джиннов из бутылки, людей из королевства и хмель из головы, иногда, но не людей из института, если я правильно понял.
Извините, но сегодня не успеваю закончить, остальное завтра, а пока Good bye author first tekst.
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Цитата (Старец) Good bye author first tekst
Goodbye, first text's author... (и то, я за правильность не отвечаю)
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Старец, есть аргументы по поводу критики. To drive somebody mad значит сводить кого-то с ума. К сожалению, это неизменнное ввражение. To be a blast значит быть очень веселым и enjoyable, как говориться на английском. Да, ошибки были, и достаточно. Просто мне нужно, я считаю, поработать над стилем написания - основной недостаток. Спасибо, это честь для меня получить от вас голос)
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Пока читал работу Маверика, трижды вспотел. Каждые 30 секунд приходилось лезть в словарь. Это скорее моя необразованность. Но, почему то мне кажется, что современная английская литература не так сильно изобилует тем лексиконом, который я увидел. На фоне первой работы, произведение Гросса читалось в разы легче. "Ниагара фолс" прозвучал в моей голове агрессивным дабстепом. Честное слово. Современный вестерн под дабстеп - это что-то новенькое. Но для меня это скорее минус, чем плюс. Чуточку пощадить читателей все таки нужно было. Нокс уже писал про надоедливые сокращения. Соглашусь. Еще я думаю, что в одну миниатюрку впихнуто слишком много событий. Ощущение, что меня намеренно грузят не покидало меня все-то время пока я читал. Гросс - размеренно, минимум персонажей, не слишком много действий и диалогов. Ничего не мельтешит. Добротная зарисовка.
Мой голос ГроссДжо.
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--M@vericK--, Старец еще не отдал свой голос. Он только прочел твой текст, к Гроссовскому еще не прикасался.
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Цитата (vigreen) Goodbye, first text's author... (и
Упс, ошибочка, забыл поставить знак принадлежности то есть 's
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Продолжаю по первому тексту:
9. Вот в этом месте у меня вопрос: Возможно стоит вместо the closest вставить the best. Тут вопрос вне в английском, а в простом восприятии текста и немного непонятно что здесь значит ближайшей. Конечно при ближайшем рассмотрении понять можно, но при поверхностном прочтении не всегда.
10. Мне кажется не везде соблюдён правильный порядок слов, я в этом не специалист, но всё же.
11. Мне не понятно употребление глагола banging в том контекстсте где он употреблён. Он в буквальном переводе означает если я не ошибаюсь, трещание, но конечно же перводить буквально нельзя. Правильно ли я понял, что здесь это значит что-то типа вдалбливать или впихивать, но тогда наверное лучше использовать grind.
Я не буду указывать все остальные недочёты по моему мнению. Я думаю, что автор если захочет будет искать их сам. А именно употребление некоторых слов которые можно заменить на более понятные и знакомые. Ну и остальные пункты конечно тоже.
Сегодня вечером посмотрю работу ГроссДжо и проголосую.
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sunRISe, интересно, что же вестерновского в поездке на водопад?) Да, с событиями проблема. Мне очень трудно писать. Короткие рассказы. Соответственно, мне было бы гораздо комфортнее расположить эти события в объеме в пару раз больше.
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Старец, bang в простонародии "трахнуть". Иное же значение - ударить, стукнуть, "бах!" и т. д.
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